Seldom Sleep
Seldom did I find a need for sleep. I mean, I get tired. Real fucking tired. But sleep was just something I could not hardly do. It was harder trying to get to sleep, than just staying awake. Those comfortable and peaceful spots of snooze were a rare treat, indeed. When they did come though, I would soak up them "Zzzzzs" like I was never gonna get them again. Details from my dreams (and I dream every God damn night) can be as confusing to explain to a person as my “awake” life was. There was not much difference between me talking to Jimi Hendrix than flying away in my sleep or waking up the next day and taking my own shit out of the toilet so that I could spread it all over my face, neck and arms to cleanse myself—to purify my soul, or whatever crazy ass shit I made myself believe I was doing in a ritualistic Indian, Buddha, zem-zem, medicine man fashion. It was better not to speak some days.
The catch or trick to all of this that was being played on me was that there would be months in which I could not tell if I was dreaming or awake. My dreams now became the memories of the 'awake.” I would ask people if they remember doing something at such and such time and place. No one knew or remembered this memory that seemed to have really happened in my mind's catalogue. Just the opposite was the same... When I'd be dreaming, I would accuse the giant, talking ostrich named Winnie, of taking
the last piece of desert that I had gotten at the "Greek festival" a day earlier. The ostrich would just stare at me and ask me why I was saying something so insignificant that it did not make any sense at all. I was dreaming and accusing an ostrich of doing something that I had done while awake... I took the last fucking piece of that freaky desert, from the "Greek festival", not the damn ostrich! I should have been riding Winnie around and flying with her into space or whatever.
I concluded that I was a crazy man even when I was dreaming. You should have seen the way that weird ostrich looked at me...fucking insane. The line between the dream world and the awaken state was blurring, for sure. I could not even decide what was real when I was awake, more less when I was dreaming. To make this transition less institutionalizing, I just decided that it was real, all of it... and that I was always dreaming. But most importantly, that it all was one gigantic circus, with very freaky sideshows
of reality.
Night bear taught me how to adapt to the rapid transformations of change. For instance, if you're in a deep sleep and dreaming of a life that is far more pleasant than your own; then all of a sudden you wake up. You are usually pretty upset, that the life in your dream had ended. You now are
faced with the awaken world and are reminded that this is your true life..."Shit, the other one was so much better. Then the next night you dream of an event or situation (and it seems so real) that leaves you feeling humiliated, vulnerable, inhuman, ashamed or just scared shitless. Then, you wake up and express a sigh of relief and say, "Man, I am fucking glad that none of that shit really happened!" Then you snuggle back into your blanket and are thankful for the "awaken world" or life that you are leading.
I learned that both—the dream worlds and the awaken worlds— are one of the same. This was my gift from Bocephus, so that I could constantly be faced with multiple perceptions of what is "reality". You have felt ashamed, vulnerable and scared shitless when you have been awake; just as you have in those awful, dreams. You have felt thankful for this wonderful life when you have been dreaming; just as you have been pleasantly awake...don't throw away your life in dreams or your life when you are awake.
People seem to think that their dreams don't mean anything. Just as some people think that the life that they are leading doesn't mean anything. When I'm searching for significance, I never find it. I was looking for it, but for reasons that I shouldn't have been. When you look for significance to prove your self-worth, most likely you are just going to end up hating yourself. You try to bend the truth so that it may "up" your value...so that it will always side with you. For this reason, you might as well stop the search. The truth can be ugly sometimes and that is not something that you handle very well.
To find significance and truth, you must first be open to your weaknesses and fully aware of your potential. You are good and you are bad. The truth works the same and if you finally see and understand bad, good, ugly and beautiful with vigorous compassion, the truth will find you. Significance and understanding will meet you halfway, when you begin to look for them but remain open.
The past has been sneaking up on me like a great ninja. My actions in the "present" are influenced by the reminders of the past. I don't like this. I never have and never will but it is just something I have to put up with every once in a while. The past does possess some oddly shaped "pros." Occasionally, it will act as a guide on your movements through your map of the present. Instilling in you the memories of where the mountains are, where fresh water can be found and where good soil can be sown for your crops. Memories hold positive power just as they hold negative powers. For the most part, my day to day life becomes more livable when I tell myself I have no past only what is now... in most cases, the past proves to be a poor decision maker and a sloppy worker.
The catch or trick to all of this that was being played on me was that there would be months in which I could not tell if I was dreaming or awake. My dreams now became the memories of the 'awake.” I would ask people if they remember doing something at such and such time and place. No one knew or remembered this memory that seemed to have really happened in my mind's catalogue. Just the opposite was the same... When I'd be dreaming, I would accuse the giant, talking ostrich named Winnie, of taking
the last piece of desert that I had gotten at the "Greek festival" a day earlier. The ostrich would just stare at me and ask me why I was saying something so insignificant that it did not make any sense at all. I was dreaming and accusing an ostrich of doing something that I had done while awake... I took the last fucking piece of that freaky desert, from the "Greek festival", not the damn ostrich! I should have been riding Winnie around and flying with her into space or whatever.
I concluded that I was a crazy man even when I was dreaming. You should have seen the way that weird ostrich looked at me...fucking insane. The line between the dream world and the awaken state was blurring, for sure. I could not even decide what was real when I was awake, more less when I was dreaming. To make this transition less institutionalizing, I just decided that it was real, all of it... and that I was always dreaming. But most importantly, that it all was one gigantic circus, with very freaky sideshows
of reality.
Night bear taught me how to adapt to the rapid transformations of change. For instance, if you're in a deep sleep and dreaming of a life that is far more pleasant than your own; then all of a sudden you wake up. You are usually pretty upset, that the life in your dream had ended. You now are
faced with the awaken world and are reminded that this is your true life..."Shit, the other one was so much better. Then the next night you dream of an event or situation (and it seems so real) that leaves you feeling humiliated, vulnerable, inhuman, ashamed or just scared shitless. Then, you wake up and express a sigh of relief and say, "Man, I am fucking glad that none of that shit really happened!" Then you snuggle back into your blanket and are thankful for the "awaken world" or life that you are leading.
I learned that both—the dream worlds and the awaken worlds— are one of the same. This was my gift from Bocephus, so that I could constantly be faced with multiple perceptions of what is "reality". You have felt ashamed, vulnerable and scared shitless when you have been awake; just as you have in those awful, dreams. You have felt thankful for this wonderful life when you have been dreaming; just as you have been pleasantly awake...don't throw away your life in dreams or your life when you are awake.
People seem to think that their dreams don't mean anything. Just as some people think that the life that they are leading doesn't mean anything. When I'm searching for significance, I never find it. I was looking for it, but for reasons that I shouldn't have been. When you look for significance to prove your self-worth, most likely you are just going to end up hating yourself. You try to bend the truth so that it may "up" your value...so that it will always side with you. For this reason, you might as well stop the search. The truth can be ugly sometimes and that is not something that you handle very well.
To find significance and truth, you must first be open to your weaknesses and fully aware of your potential. You are good and you are bad. The truth works the same and if you finally see and understand bad, good, ugly and beautiful with vigorous compassion, the truth will find you. Significance and understanding will meet you halfway, when you begin to look for them but remain open.
The past has been sneaking up on me like a great ninja. My actions in the "present" are influenced by the reminders of the past. I don't like this. I never have and never will but it is just something I have to put up with every once in a while. The past does possess some oddly shaped "pros." Occasionally, it will act as a guide on your movements through your map of the present. Instilling in you the memories of where the mountains are, where fresh water can be found and where good soil can be sown for your crops. Memories hold positive power just as they hold negative powers. For the most part, my day to day life becomes more livable when I tell myself I have no past only what is now... in most cases, the past proves to be a poor decision maker and a sloppy worker.
posted by Elias Lemoon | 9:43 AM
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